a boy in my youth group's brother died. this boy is amazing and i have to say i love him so. two years ago he was on my work crew. we were "painting buddies." we got "high" in the brownie room. we went off on an adventure to find a cow skull. we pull pranks on each other and tell each other silly things that we're going to do to each other, but never do them. like superglue pink frilly socks to someone's toenails.

i think i'm going to the visitation for his brother. but i don't know what i'll say. this is one of those times when "wwjd champion" skills should kick in. but it hasn't.

wow a lot of bad stuff is happening these days.

i think i might wear pink socks under my black pants tomorrow. i don't know if it will make him smile tho.

hmmm and if yall see me at senior high retreat with knee high pink socks on, you'll know it's for a crazy boy in my youth group and i'm just trying to make him laugh.

we've shared a couple of hardships. our grandfathers are the biggest thing we have in common. but only those of you who were close to me about two years ago would understand that one.

i hope a lot of youth show out. but i doubt they will.

leaving for the mission trip in 7 hours. yesssss.

i just had a huge realization talking to hannaH.

why did i screw that up?    why didn't i choose him?

we are back to the old age question. WHY? WHY? WHY?

me and my fish. we're hanging out. we're cool.

lols.      what my life has become.

i should do an update about how much i've changed since i reguarly updated this xanga. it'd be a lot of changes.  i kind of want to chuck this xanga. but it holds lots of good memories. some bad ones too. gaining someone who made me feel great about myself. and losing them.   losing who i thought was my best friend. figuring out who really cares about me. and seeing how important god really is in my life.

"i've learned how to jump and how to take a fall"

<3 rissa

go to jesus_dyed_4you

awesome poem.

well i think it's good.

"when i was a little girl the heads of my paper dolls came off, and it was a long time before i discovered that my own head would not fall off if i bent my neck. i used to walk around holding it very stiff because i thought a strong wind or a heavy push would snap my neck. nel was the one who told me the truth. but she was wrong. i did not hold my head stiff enough when i met him and so i lost it just like the dolls."

*all those kisses i've been saving just for you... well i decided i want to give them to someone else.... i think they'll appreciate them more.  yes, in fact i know they will.*

my head is still swirling and smashing all over with thoughts and ideas.  it's so hard to focus these days.   ginger laughs at me.   it's really frustrating. to think so many things and not be able to connect them. it makes you feel... stupid or incompetent or something.

THANK YOU LAURA BOUSO FOR THE SUPER COOL NOTE!!!